I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
