i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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