I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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