I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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