My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
