the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
