I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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