I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
