I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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