i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize