Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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