overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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