just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
