I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
