hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
