he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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