I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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