I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
