So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
