When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
