Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
