Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
