theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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