You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
