I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
