Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize