Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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