Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
