3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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