Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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