Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Michael Bay diarrhea
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
