Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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