Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
