True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
