whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
