That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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