I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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