respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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