I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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