I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
