Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
