Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize