We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
