This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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