So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
