I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
