I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize