I can text with my tongue
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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