hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
