Duck Duck Cougar?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
