i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
