i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize