So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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