oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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