Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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