That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
