new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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