Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
