Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
