I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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