please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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