My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I smell stomach acid.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
