i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
