He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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