I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The struggles of a small town man whore
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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