you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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