my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
