come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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