what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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