I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
