I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
