There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I look better un-naked...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
