i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
