There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
